Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation where someone says some shit like, “he seems rude at first, but trust me-he’s a nice guy”? Or “you just have to get to know her?” These are signals that someone is an asshole, and like all true dicks, these people are surrounded by bastions of nice people who seem to flock to assholes like moths to a flame.

Most people can definitively be categorized into “nice people” and “assholes”. Nice people have an asshole inside of them begging to come out, and assholes have a tiny nice person inside who comes out to play occasionally. After all, no person is a complete archetype. Still, what we’re talking about here is people who are mostly assholes, and how they get away with their unthinkable acts of assholery.

Nice people like things to be copacetic. They enjoy laughing with friends about nice things that don’t involve the humiliation of others, sharing, having polite conversations about important topics, and complimenting each other when the moment warrants it. 

Assholes like things to suck balls. They enjoy laughing at people, mocking things, feeling superior, being selfish, and generally acting bored of life and what it has to offer.

Nice people can come in many forms. Assholes can, too. Sometimes assholes masquerade as nice people, and vice versa. Sometimes there are asshole triggers; drinking is one, being around family is another (family usually aggravates even the kindest of folks), and extreme emotional circumstances usually turn even the best of us into cunts. For others, those same triggers turn assholes into nice people. We usually call those people neurotics.

One thing I’ve noticed about assholes is groups tend to bring out dick tendencies. Suddenly, there is a crowd to perform in front of! When you’re one on one with someone, there isn’t much point to assholery. Why be a dick to the only person you’re hanging out with and risk them kicking you, spitting on you, or leaving your ass somewhere? Now, add another person or multiple other people, and now the risk of any of these things happening decreases to almost zero, because social niceties dictate it’s not appropriate to kick fools, spit on them, or walk away abruptly. Therefore, assholes can get away much easier with their ASSHOLE behavior in groups.

I’ve known a lot of assholes in my day. Indeed, I’ve BEEN an asshole, and I know the benefits of such behavior. While being nice means you’re generally well liked and therefore leads to a better chance of you having real, dependable friends as opposed to just other assholes, internet friends, or spending long nights at places that cater to assholes (dance clubs and sports bars come to mind), being an asshat lends a vague sense of power to the holder. After all, people will pussyfoot around an asshole just to avoid arousing the asshole’s wrath! 

The Benefits of Assholery.

People will usually defer to an asshole. Oh, Asshole wants Italian instead of Chinese for dinner, even though EVERYONE ELSE wants Chinese? Better get Italian, otherwise Asshole will make the rest of the night a living hell. 

Cure: Stop being friends with that asshole.

People will usually be NICER to an asshole than a regular person. This is symptom of a cross synapse in the brain which tells us the more someone acts like a cunt, the closer they are to royalty. After all, if you’re important, you don’t NEED to be nice to ANYONE. Oh, Asshole won’t stand up to greet someone? Asshole won’t shake your hand? Asshole must be important or otherwise valuable, or else asshole wouldn’t have any friends. Don’t fall for this, people. 

Cure: Treat that asshole like what he is: an asshole. He’s not special. Trust me.

Some Examples of Assholery.

I have a friend who’s boyfriend is a complete asshole. The minute you see this guy, he’s making fun of you, which is ironic because he’s pretty much a literal sad sack himself. Because the average person is too kind to point out such a disparity, Asshole gets away with being an asshole. Next time I see this worthless sack of a human being, I’m going to have to tell him the reality of the situation. At some point, even nice guys have to be assholes.

I have another friend who is an asshole only in groups. She says this is because she’s insecure, but this explanation for various psychological afflictions (being an asshole, having an eating disorder, adopting stupid personas which aren’t your own) is obnoxious because it’s obvious-afterall, everyone is insecure in some way, shape or form. Being insecure SHOULD make you nicer-the old “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” adage. Typically, though, it makes people assholes. We’ll see what happens with this trick since I’ve told her for the last time she has to stop being an asshole. She can either start patronizing the self help section of her local bookstore or get a new awesome friend named Sterner.

Last but not least is one of my best friends. She’s loud, obnoxious, and competitive, which makes her a nice person who is accidentally an asshole. Whenever she acts like a fucktard, I just pull her aside and tell her. EVERY TIME this happens, she apologizes and stops acting like a dick. She’s only human, so she’s still a dick sometimes, but this is the sign of a nice person who just needs to wrangle their inner asshole. 

Being an asshole should have no benefits. Sure, there are times you need to be “tough”, or assertive, but being rude is never an appropriate option. If you’re friends with an asshole, it’s your obligation to the world to tell them the truth. Practice it in front of the mirror. Go on, say it. “Bob, you’re an asshole.” Take a breath. Now say it again, louder. “Bob, you’re an ASSHOLE!” That’s right, get it out. Next time you see that insecure fuckhole of a human being, you take them aside (being public humiliation is an asshole thing to do) and tell them they’re a cesspool of dickery and you’re not going to stand for it anymore. It might not change them, but at least you can make room in your life for someone who won’t be a fucking dick every time you see them. 

You Might Be An Asshole If…

Are you one of those people who likes to “joke around”? Does making fun of people amuse you? Do you go out of your way to poke fun at people’s weakest points, all in the name of “jest”? If so, you’re an asshole. Your inability to either care or empathize enough with other people is an inability to emotionally function correctly. Would you like it if someone pointed out YOUR flaws, especially in front of other people? Doubt it. Some people say they have “thick skins” and ENJOY a bit of a roasting themselves, but these people usually enjoy this kind of behavior and have such a “thick skin” because they themselves were the brunts of jokes growing up, or learned early on making fun of other people took the spotlight off of themselves. These people are emotional cripples and should be avoided.

Are you REALLY sarcastic? Chances are, you’re an asshole. Being sarcastic is another form of mockery, described as communication which is “sharp, bitter or cutting”. How apt. If being described as bitter is something you enjoy, by all means: keep being an asshole. However, if you’d ever like to communicate in the Real World where we discuss things openly without the veil of “cunt” in front of them, let me know. Otherwise, have a great time being sarcastic with all of your other self loathing, sarcastic friends. Let’s hope you don’t bleed to death choking on your own knifed tongue.

Do you think you know more about everything than anything else? Do you consider yourself as “cultured”, an “intellectual” or “superior” to other people? Do you openly correct people’s pronunciations of words or names in an effort to make them look stupid and you intelligent? Do you mock people’s choices in wine, decor, music, or anything else in a way which makes entire groups people look at you in abject terror or disgust? I think you know what I’m about to say: you’re an asshole.

We’re all assholes in some ways. All I ask is that we keep our inner assholes as minor FRAGMENTS of ourselves, not wholes. Because look what a world full of assholes has gotten us. Airwaves full of Nicki Minaj and an entire TV station called Fox News.