It became profitable to be an asshat, or at least act like one. I’d like to pinpoint notable asshattery in recent history as evidence.

In the early days (early meaning the days before television), reputation was one of those things you either worshiped in the manner of God (believing that reputation would make or break you) or cast aside to be thought of as daring, avant-garde, or at the very least different than all the other people you were surrounded by. Assholes like Zelda Fitzgerald, Marcel Duchamp and Man Ray forged paths in the Olde Days creating their own legacies as Epic Asshats, people content to buck the status quo and throw off the regulations of a respectable reputation under the guise of art which we all know really just means “partying”. I mean really, all the artists I know live in paid for by daddy lofts and have a lot of unprotected sex with ugly people while high on cocaine. All of this is fine by my moral standards but we all need to start admitting throwing paint on a T-shirt when you’re not busy trying to catch VD isn’t really being an artist. Sorry, Victor.

I’m just fucking with you. Some of this guy’s shit is okay.

Anyway, after TV bukkaked its way into our lives, it opened up a new world of stupid shit. I hardly need to remind you people we were all once captivated in the 90’s by someone named Puck who harassed a man with advanced HIV-AIDS and practically made his living eating boogers and picking scabs. 

I can hardly sleep at night over the sound of all of my Anglo Saxon ancestors screaming.

Television opened up so many possibilities in the minds of unoriginal morons across the globe an entirely new genre of TV was birthed: reality TV. Many people blame the aforementioned Real World (Puck 4 Life) for starting this trend, but the Real World didn’t start out totally disgusting; at least that’s what I tell myself whenever I get a flashback of Tami wiring her jaw shut to lose weight (did you guys know this chick is on another reality show now?! Basketball Wives. I need to stay better abreast of previous Real World cast members careers for mockery purposes) or David the confused asexual punching Irene “Lyme Disease” McGee in the face after she threw his stuffed dog into whatever body of water the cast was living next to. All right. Never mind. The Real World totally began the spiral of the Apocalypse. 

Gay, not gay or asexual: Stephen’s choice of attire makes one wonder; usually gay men have more respect. Although…look at everyone else. I vote asexual. No one would fuck someone wearing that shirt.

Because I respect myself, I haven’t watched television (via cable) for the last 3 or 4 years, and even when I did I usually watched crime shows because I am a potential serial killer in training. Seriously, I could kill you and never get caught. Rubber gloves, full body suit, no traces. FUCK YOU, CSI! YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME!

Anyway, because of this fact I have no goddamn idea what complete bullshit TV is pumping out for the consumption of idiots. I do know Fox News is still operating, which is further proof of the Apocalypse, and last time I accidentally caught TV at the gym I saw a show who’s premise was teaching spoiled girls how to be humble or else their families/fiances would cut them off from their cash money. Everyone on the show was really fucking ugly and it pissed me off thinking I’ve been going decades of my life not getting shit paid for by anyone but myself. HOW COME I CAN’T CASH IN ON THE TREND OF BEING AN ASSHOLE?! READ THIS BLOG! I AM TOTALLY AN ASSHOLE, AND I’M PRETTY! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WHAT AMERICA STANDS FOR!

Obviously my work ethic and self respect are holding me back from a life of luxury and potential sponsorships by Monster energy drinks and Trojan condoms. Luckily, I know the route to real success: acting like a weirdo.

Some people with no discernible talent who are famous for acting like weirdos:

I could go on and on.

The point is, how did we get from living in a society seemingly obsessed with a spotless reputation to living in one where you can get mega-rich and famous just from pretending you’re a weirdo?! As someone who borders on actually being a weirdo (I can never be a weirdo 100% because I used to watch Newlyweds and still think a lot of Celine Dion’s songs are pretty good) I find it insulting to the world (and everyone I had drama class with in high school) that these poseurs can just slap on a horrible wig and make some robot faces and BAM! they’re rich. This is complete nonsense! One should only profit from weirdosity if one can actually prove one is a weirdo. Just wearing wigs and making robot faces isn’t enough, says the entire Broadway community and every child who walks the Earth. Do you listen to and actually enjoy Yoko Ono’s music? Do you know who Genesis P-Orridge is? How many times have you seen Doom Generation? Do you ever eat carrots with barbecue sauce? THESE ARE THINGS WE NEED TO ASK PEOPLE BEFORE WE ALLOW THEM TO SUCK OUR MONEY AWAY, PEOPLE! Or we could just force our entertainers to actually *be* talented at something. I don’t know.

Readers, I love you.

-Sterner