I want all the years I spent with my exes back

All new wine and champagne glasses from the friends who break something every time they come over

All the cell phone minutes I spent listening to whiny friends bitch about the lovers they keep “swearing” they’re never taking back (only to take them back over and over again)

All the presents I bought for people who didn’t buy me anything

All the inches of hair expensive stylists have cut off my head after I asked them to “keep it long”

All of the hope I felt electing government officials who promised me things and then didn’t deliver

All of the time I’ve wasted watching shitty porn that promised to be artistic

All of the brain cells I’ve ruined listening to stupid reviews on Yelp

All of the time I spent making an imaginary Christmas list.