March 2010
12 posts
You don't get
a lot of birth-of-my-first-child moments in life, but in fairness, you do get a lot of “man, woodpeckers are cool looking.” Or “that blackhead went away about two days before I thought it was going to.”
Dear Sterner,
Yeah, I actually liked your boyfriend. This is bad news for you because it means now I would rather fuck my grandmother. Or a porcupine. So, start pining for the days when a broke weirdo would crank out the nutsauce into his ex-girlfriend’s panties thinking of you.
February 2010
44 posts
Boner Found Dead
Absence of Sterner blamed.
You know that feeling
where you have unprotected sex with a prostitute/ mother of three and then she misses her period for five days, but then takes a pregnancy test and it’s negative? What’s the word for that feeling?
1 tag
Violence
I have this power, this UNMITIGATED, INDESCRIBABLE POWER, to infuriate even the calmest men to a point of violence!
I wish I could use this power for money or a time machine.
I have no idea what it is about me that can take your average male (spare me with the “what’s the average male” bullshit) and turn him into a fucking maniac for a minute or two, but whatever...
As God is my witness, Sterner
Someday you will be my dick garage.
— Rogier
2 tags
Bitches are funny, exhibit A
I like women who spend the time to curl their hair, then walk REALLY HARD to make their curls bounce.
No one is paying attention to your hair right now because you look like a crippled stork.
-Sterner
1 tag
May all the stores run out of nonoxynol-9
charmingortedious:
Friday is Rogier’s birthday. BLESSED IS THE DAY!
I NOW KNOW THERE IS A GOD, BECAUSE OF ROGIER. LONG LIVE ROGIER!
1 tag
A case of the gays
I’ll tell you what your pussy problem is, Rogier.
Everyone thinks you’re gay. Your voice is too dandy-intellectual sounding and besides that you’re overall snobbish looking. Plus you dress like a grandpa which is pointless when you work out for 16 fucking hours a day and have the body you do. That would be like me never wearing spandex. I have a perfect ass-I’m supposed to wear spandex.
I...
Who cares if he calls you.
Who cares if he’s into you. There is nothing special about this dude. There are dudes around every corner. We live in a universe of cock. If you want to meet another dude, simply go to any place, any time, ever, and there will be a shitload of lonely dudes there.
— Rogier
Also
I’m getting old and I need to impregnate you before my balls are full of retards.
— Rogier
To my future wife
I have been looking for you for fifteen fucking years. Different cities, different scenes. I dated a crackhead and a needle junkie, thinking they might be you. I went on dates with hundreds of girls. I went to every party, every bar, every class, every stupid fucking extracurricular activity looking for you. I was in a bunch of bands; I figured you might show up. I got a job in the movies so...
2 tags
More people who annoy me
You know what kind of fucking people annoy me? Assholes who don’t follow arrows in parking structures.
Sterner, you might be saying, parking structures? Not following directions? Really? Is this what it comes down to? YES, friend, THIS is my life. Welcome to boring purgatory.
But seriously, these people fucking annoy me. Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you know I hate...
Someday, Sterner
| \ \ / /
8 *===> ~ ~ ~ \ ({}) /
| \___*____/
Well, Sternfuck
If I *am* attractive, how come I have an IQ three and a half standard deviations above the mean and I look like fucking Taylor Lautner with my shirt off but still can’t get a goddamn second look from a girl in a bar? *Something* must be wrong here. I need to get a neck tattoo or something.
— Rogier
2 tags
More people that annoy me
There is another class of people who annoy me. People who are attractive but say they don’t find themselves attractive.
Except THEY’RE ALWAYS FUCKING POSTING PICTURES OF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!
I now from personal experience when you feel ugly, you typically* don’t post pictures of yourself say, “just waking up” with perfect disheveled hair and pouty lips OR...
Diary 2/15/10: One Drop
I am afraid that I have impregnated this prostitute. (NAME REDACTED). I’m afraid that in my attempt to get off after her pussy was all loose from coming I shot the first drop in her. I don’t have a specific memory that I pulled out in time. It doesn’t help when you have a chick saying “fill me full of cum” and “make me pregnant,” when that is all you...
2 tags
Don't just whip out your dick like I know what to...
I was a late bloomer.
My entire high school career, everyone thought I was a huge mega-slut. They also thought I stuffed my bra, because I had pretty decent sized jugs but was emaciatedly skinny. This resulted in the deadly combination of low self esteem mixed with high levels of confusion in regards to sex. People thought I was a slut when I was still a virgin. UNFAIR!
Truth be told, I lost...
3 tags
"I would never cheat on my blog WIFE, honeybuns,...
BULLSHIT, Rogier!
I hate you.
-Sterner
I am dating a prostitute
Or at least, I have a second date with a prostitute. I’m making her a chicken. Then she has to leave to see a client at midnight. One of her guys likes to pee in a diaper and then have her laugh at him. I hope it’s him.
She is thirty years old and has three kids. Plus one she gave birth to as a teenager and then gave away. She grew up in foster homes getting molested and has...
3 tags
Hey, job
Why do you keep telling me I can’t have a raise, yet continue to send me glossy brochures about “our mission” and how bad ass we are as a company? Typically if you want employees to be happy, you stop telling them how awesome you are and pay them more. Glossy brochures ain’t cheap, son.
Bitch.
-Sterner
2 tags
There is something about Mr. Sterner going out
That annoys me. Like, I assume he’ll either be out with me or sitting at home waiting for me, with a fresh plate of cupcakes.
-Sterner
2 tags
What are the chances
The email from the uber-huge important client praising me using such phrases about me like ” she is a joy-incredibly helpful and completely knowledgeable” directly to my manager and MANAGING DIRECTOR will get me a raise?
1%.
-Sterner
2 tags
My Inbox
Email from annoying PA
Second follow-up email from annoying PA 2 minutes later
Someone complaining about someone else in my office, can I help them?
More menial task work from my overpaid boss
Some CPA whining about some band going on tour
More emails from annoying PAs
Junk email about Viagra (I AM A WOMAN, STOP THIS MADNESS)
-Sterner
1 tag
"I like Rogier. He's like my little inner voice. ...
Another satisfied Sterner and Rogier reader.
Anita Roddick
Somebody was telling me the tragic story of philanthropic entrepreneur Anita Roddick, struck down in her prime by Hepatitis C. And all I could thing of was “I need a raw dick.”
— Rogier
2 tags
Just commit seppuku and get over it
I don’t know what horrible life decisions led me to have so many whiny ex-boyfriends, but I wish all those assholes would fucking seppuku themselves and get over it.
I don’t really give two shits about what is happening in your lives currently, ex-boyfriends. Are you calling me to offer cash or perhaps a free carton of Craisins? No? Then fuck yourself. Being friendly with your...
3 tags
Just fucking text me
I hate people who don’t text. Those assholes who call you, over and over again, forcing you to call them back? Listen, I know when a phone call is necessary. Emergencies, “lets catch up” talks, bill collectors. But if you only need to convey ONE TO TWO GODDAMN SENTENCES OF INFORMATION TO ME, please save me the goddamn time and effort of pretending to respect you as a human...
If you fat chicks
don’t want to be stereotyped then stop sucking such good cock.
— Rogier
Another repost from my OKCupid journal
How many motherfucking times do I have to tell you this. DO NOT date me. I will get you drunk and give you an STD. I will pour wine down your gullet, sneak it in sans jim hat, rawdog you again with my morning wood because we already have each other’s AIDS, steal your panties from the hamper on my way out and then wear them as a mask while beating off to you after work, every detail...
Every heterosexual
guy you know would give a million dollars to stack Prussian Blue on top of one another and have at it. If you don’t believe this, you don’t understand men.
— Rogier
Okcupid
I hate people who rag on fat chicks, but fuck it. What is this “average” shit— you are clearly using the national average, when a reasonable viewer would conclude that “average” means the average for single women in their 20’s in Los Angeles. The body image capital of the fucking planet. My income is 10,000 times the national average of Haiti but I’m...
Avoid
the type of gentile chick who goes on Jdate.
— Rogier
My inbox
Do more work Do more work Pain in the ass Can I have some money? Do more work Can I have a job? Do more work Pain in the ass Do more work Do more insulting work that is especially beneath you, and I need it done right away, so much so that I’m going to ask you about it in the past tense before you’ve even read this email. Can I have a job? Do more work Read my screenplay about how I...
I don't want
to go out with you. I want to just fuck you. But I don’t want to fuck the kind of girl who just fucks you. And I don’t want to go out with the kind of girl who just goes out with you. I want to fuck the kind of girl who goes out with you, and go out with the kind of girl who just fucks you.
—Rogier
She left me a message
saying she’s been cellphoneless all day. Cellphoneless getting pounded by huge unprotected cock from the love of her life.
— Rogier, obviously.
Will you fucking girls
quit complaining about heartbreak? I don’t even have heartbreak. Quit telling the starving Haitian kid how shitty your turkey sandwich was.
— Rogier
Dear Diary: 6/13/05
The Gym
I hate the gym. That fucking stairmaster, the endless agony— I’ll have moments when I’m on there, swerving all herky-jerky like a marionette— I space out, follow a thought or daydream along a whole complex sequence for what seems like several minutes, and then I look down and not one second has passed. I can grasp the infinitude of hell this way. The weights— rusty...
When women
say they “like nerdy guys,” they mean a guy in an indie rock band who gets laid more than Tiger Woods, but wears the black glasses like the Central Casting nerd. And when you take them off, it’s like when the “ugly” chick takes off her glasses in that Freddy Prinze Jr. movie. In other words, they’re not talking about you.
— Rogier
Dear Diary: 8/12/05
Ok, all this gym shit is basically just polishing a turd, because I just don’t naturally have a good body. I burn 6,000 goddamn calories a week on that stairmaster and my weight has been exactly the same for a month. And I still have fat on me. 6,000 fucking calories!!! I did coke again last week and dropped all this water weight, got all encouraged because I got down to 157. But now...
Fine
I will simply continue my lifestyle of jet setting to the finest beaches, wrapped in the finest furs, drinking the finest malt liquors and fortified wines, getting rejected by the most beautiful women in the world. Staying hydrated. Flossing regularly. Taking great care to enjoy at least four servings of fresh fruits and/ or vegetables per day. After all, every breath is a motherfucking...
Re: On "making plans"
Yeah, I knew that was never going to happen. You just coming over to my house. That’s all I really want, by the way. I don’t want to go to some fucking bar or S & M nightclub with you, I just want you to come over to my house and shoot the shit without any distractions. This will help me construct a masturbatory scenario later where I can imagine you fucking me as a simple...
2 tags
On "making plans"
You ever made plans with someone, who you know you’re going to cancel on last minute, except they cancel on you? And all you can hear in your head is “goddamn it, loser, I was going to cancel on you.”
Have fun at your movie tonight, ROGIER.
-Sterner
3 tags
