January 2011
9 posts
Girls
Her: So whatever happened with that girl?
Me: Which one?
Her: …
Me: I mean, whoever it is, I can tell you: nothing.
December 2010
10 posts
Boners
A lot of times lately I’ll be, like, I’ll have a hot chick naked in my bed and I’ll be too coked out or drunk to get a boner. It reminds me of that Jack London story where the guy is freezing to death in the Canadian wilderness, and he gets together all the requisite twigs, etc., to build the fire that would save his life. He painstakingly gathers all this wood, taking care...
Stage fright
When I was a kid in the 80’s, we used to go to ballgames at Fenway Park. And when you had to piss, it was— there were no urinals. There was one toilet and it always looked like a Dinty Moore™ beef stew grenade had exploded in it. No— you had to piss in a long communal cast-iron trough shaped like a bath tub with rusty, tetanus-y looking pipes feeding a trickle of water into...
The Power of Prayer: Part 2
A little background. Remember the future wife? I prayed to God that I meet my future wife at the Short Stop; that night a hot chick talked to me. I went out with her, and a) I wasn’t that into her and b) I kind of blew it.
More background: last week I went out with a girl off OkCupid. She was kind of retarded, but a) really, really, really beautiful and b) turned out to be literally...
Game
I have no game. I hate people who have game. I hate any other man who is successful with women. DJ’s. Guys in bands. Good looking guys. Actors. Children’s entertainers- people who have jobs writing and doing voices for Disney Channel shows. Photographers. Anyone who has not completely sold or bastardized their dream is much more attractive to women than me. Anyone who is not...
What do you do
You can’t get out of the “what do you do” question. It is always, ALWAYS the first thing people ask after learning your name. I was told that Europeans consider it rude but apparently not since every single fucking European ever also does it in every conversation. What do you do? What is the only activity on the entire planet, in all of history, that you just spent 60 miserable,...
So: STD's
I had an STD once. It was “non-gonococcal urethritis.” This means- something is in your dick, hurting it, and we know that it is not gonorrhea. We don’t know what it is, but we know what it isn’t. Thanks science.
I took a bunch of antibiotics for it. It still did not go away. This was terrifying of course. I went to doctor after doctor, had my dickhole abrasively rubbed against...
Everything is forgivable
except having tiny teeth and huge gums.
I can
jerk off to things that would make a billy goat puke.
Internet Pussy: The Cave of Forgotten Dreams
I’m good at internet dating.
This means I’m good at taking a girl out, getting her a little drunk, and then fucking her. I’m good at steering the second date to dinner at my house so I don’t have to drive to get laid. I hear a lot of “I’m not usually like this” so I figure, you know, I must be onto something. Some skill I have at getting girls...
