July 2012
1 post
3 tags
Politics and Religion
Because I so often actively criticize our government, I am frequently asked whether I “love” America. Don’t I feel privileged to have been born here? Do I just take all of the freedoms I was given at birth for granted? Don’t I know how lucky I am to be here?
Rhetorical questions like this invoke emotion in people because the idea of questioning one’s government or...
March 2012
1 post
1 tag
At some point in man's history
It became profitable to be an asshat, or at least act like one. I’d like to pinpoint notable asshattery in recent history as evidence.
In the early days (early meaning the days before television), reputation was one of those things you either worshiped in the manner of God (believing that reputation would make or break you) or cast aside to be thought of as daring, avant-garde, or at the...
January 2012
2 posts
8 tags
Miranda Catches the Gay
From delicioustacos.com:
Cynthia Nixon recently said in the NY Times that she “chose” to be gay, which caused controversy and people freaking out and etc. To all of which Andrew Sullivan responds:
“My own view is that female sexuality is inherently more fluid than male sexuality, and that lesbians and bisexual women, because they are less fixated on crude physical signals for arousal,...
6 tags
Newt Gingrich
I don’t watch the Republican debates, because they happen when I’m at work. Plus, I’m sure they would bug the fuck out of me. I’m a liberal, you know. I like causing abortions and I would be on food stamps if I could, and I don’t see how we can kick out all the Mexicans. And people should be able to say “fuck” on TV and, we should let people out of fucking jail and let them smoke pot and...
November 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Imaginary Christmas List
I want all the years I spent with my exes back
All new wine and champagne glasses from the friends who break something every time they come over
All the cell phone minutes I spent listening to whiny friends bitch about the lovers they keep “swearing” they’re never taking back (only to take them back over and over again)
All the presents I bought for people who didn’t buy...
1 tag
Drugs x Clothes
Loody and I went out Saturday night for some beers and conversation. I was also convinced Ingrid was going to find herself a manfriend, which looked like it was happening, only to be crushed later by Ingrid’s insistence the dude she had been chatting up for like a fucking HOUR was boring. Yeah, dude! We couldn’t have established this much earlier? I could have saved myself the experience of having...
October 2011
4 posts
Diary 9/7/11- Gas Powered Leaf Blower
A fucking gas powered leaf blower going. Which is illegal,right? Gas powered leaf blowers are banned. But I have never seen a leaf blower operating without the sound of a fucking outboard motor blasting. The ban on gas powered leaf blowers has had absolutely zero effect. What did they do— was there some amnesty where you could turn in your gas powered leaf blower in exchange for a toy or...
OK, fuckstick: how about YOU make ME laugh
Because we all know you like to be made to laugh; you’ve told us, over and over and over again. Collectively you have said “live laugh love” or “make me laugh” a thousand million billion times. Or you’ve put up the whorish-sounding “make me laugh and you can make me do anything.” Make me laugh and you can sneak it in my ass, is that what this means? Make me laugh and you can jerk...
Diary 10/16/11: Occupy LA Part 2
I went down to Occupy Wall Street yesterday. Occupy LA, rather, in front of City Hall. I wanted to see what it was about, what people were actually protesting, what they actually wanted. Also, I figured there would be girls there.
The talk on the internet seems to be that OK, it is understandable that people are pissed off about “the way things are right now,” but the...
1 tag
Diary 10/15/11: Occupy LA
Thinking about going down to Occupy LA today. Not that I give a shit. Or rather, not that I think it is a meaningful movement with any concrete goals. And if they did have concrete goals, they would be impossible to achieve.
Not that I’m against them either—while the “I am the 99 per cent” people complaining about student loans seem dopey to me, far worse is this “I am the 53 per cent...
September 2011
8 posts
3 tags
R.I.P. Arch West: Inventor of Doritos
The last bag of Doritos I ate before the death of Arch West were the best I’ve ever tasted. We were up in the mountains, me and my fake girlfriend. Smoggy and hot in the city but up in the Sierras it was cool, clear day, and we stopped at the Native American Cultural Center to check out some artifacts—longbows and shit made from pelts. It was a welcome relief from a tough week, and the two...
2 tags
1 tag
Try this chicken.
No.
Why? It’s good.
Chickens eat their own poop.
Well, I scatch my balls and sniff my fingers, so I’m not that much better.
True story.
2 tags
Sex talk with Dad
He’d had a very different life than me. I lost my virginity at seventeen; at that age he had been picked up for dealing heroin and given the choice of going to the clink or enlisting in the marines at the height of Vietnam. He told me stories like “one time I beat up this black guy so bad that I was checking the papers the next day to make sure I hadn’t killed him.” He had a tough, colorful...
1 tag
Back from the Pussy War
I’m back from the pussy war. This is the war that men fight for 20 years, starting at around age 15. Maybe sooner. You spend 20 years thinking about nothing but pussy, how to get pussy, I need new pussy, where is there going to be pussy. You get out there in the trenches and you battle for pussy, you learn about the enemy, you try to take them down.
Now I’m thirty-five and a half and some...
2 tags
The Dogs Bark
The stupid fucking barking dogs. Incessantly, always barking. They begin at about seven every morning. Must be when they’re let out of the house. They walk out the door and down the steps to the front gate and just stand there and bark without ever stopping even for one second. Bark bark bark. Bark bark bark. And of course, there are fifteen other houses on the street with multiple loud,...
1 tag
Sex offenders
So a woman went on a date off match.com; the guy was a convicted sexual batterer, and he went ahead and sexually battered her, too. So she sued them and now match.com is screening out sex offenders:
http://jezebel.com/5792045/women-sues-matchcom-after-date-leads-to-assault
Match.com is screening out sex offenders to avoid bad PR about a chick getting raped by a repeat offender. This is their...
1 tag
Short stories about my ex-boyfriends
I dated a guy named Joel once. He was Spanish. As such, you could not say his name as “Joel”, like Billy Joel; he wanted it to be pronounced in proper Spanish as “Ho-el”. No one ever did it, so he settled for “Jo-elle”.
When we met, he was working for a children’s charity. My mother disliked this because men who work for charities never make any money....
August 2011
13 posts
6 tags
The Magic: the Gathering® Guy and That One Chick
So, no one who is possibly reading this post has not heard about this:
http://gizmodo.com/5833787/my-brief-okcupid-affair-with-a-world-champion-magic-the-gathering-player
The girl who went out with a guy off OKCupid, found out he was a world champion Magic: the Gathering® player, was ostensibly appalled and wrote a Gizmodo article about how she was stunned and it’s a huge dealbreaker and...
1 tag
What always happens is
I’ll be having a sex dream, right? Usually this starts as a regular dream, but then an attractive chick shows up and I just grab her to start fucking. Last night the scene was that I was back in my college looking for my dorm room, but the doors were all sci-fi futuristic and I couldn’t find mine. I went into some random room and there was a hot blonde chick in there and I pulled up...
1 tag
The Benefits of Being an Asshole.
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation where someone says some shit like, “he seems rude at first, but trust me-he’s a nice guy”? Or “you just have to get to know her?” These are signals that someone is an asshole, and like all true dicks, these people are surrounded by bastions of nice people who seem to flock to assholes like moths to a flame.
Most...
1 tag
Fuck "your" and "you're"
and “there,” “their” and “they’re—” I need a chick who throws a diæresis in “coöperate,” and an “æ” in “diæresis,” but doesn’t use a diæresis in “diæresis” because you are not, without this forewarning, going to pronounce “diæresis” as though “iæ” were a monosyllabic...
1 tag
Bone on Bone
The human body is woefully adept at movements like crushing skulls and shattering bones and processing gallons of poison.
It is not quite as adept in holding others.
Bodies are filled with pockets of fleshiness; a woman’s bosom, the typical soft ring of comfort around the average person’s torso. But the majority of the human body is sharp angles and simple skin over bone. Two people...
1 tag
The Secrecy of Dressing
There is an innate sense of secrecy in dressing I find interesting.
Most women like to get together and get dressed. I associate this with the strange void most humans have inside of them which is filled by group dynamics: I don’t want to look too different from everyone else-what are you wearing? Indeed, I myself always need to know what the dress code is when I attend an event and I’m prone...
Wait a minute- am I attractive?
Somebody called me “attractive” last night. For the first time that it was actually meaningful. Because every other time it’s either been:
a) in response to my saying “Jesus Christ, my face looks like it was hit with a fucking shovel.”
b) a horny gay guy trying to get laid or
c) an even less attractive friend saying “Jesus, you must have it so easy, you’re...
To my future son:
Never have a job you have to explain. Just like you should never have a Halloween costume you have to explain. Your whole life just becomes the same fucking conversation over and over.
Old News: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Originally posted 5/26/11:
I’m gonna weigh in on this Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. Even though it’s been done to death. Because it’s actually real simple. Women’s web sites are of course saying what a pig and how could he cheat on her, etc. And reactionary sexist sites for men focus on how could he do it with someone so ugly. The latter group has to come up with these...
Reader Mailbag: How to suck a dick
“Anonymous” writes:
I don’t have any specific questions about sex, but I suspect lots of people would appreciate advice/instructions from both of you on how to…do stuff well.
Personally I want blow job advice and general advice like sounds and stuff.
Help us internet loners out.
All right. How to give a blowjob.
1) Eat the fucking cum.
Just fucking eat it. I was...
Fatties on OKCupid
You know how it is. Lotta fatties on the OKC. Your first harbinger of this— I mean, besides everybody knowing that the internet is full of fat chicks, this fact having suffused our popular culture, etc.—your first harbinger of this is the weight class list it makes you pick from, which has like two words for skinny and fifteen different kinds of fat.
Because of course we all know “average”...
Diff'rent Strokin' some underage cock
I was thinking about when Arnold on DIFF’RENT STROKES was almost molested by a guy because the dude had an Atari and offered Arnold a bike. Even though Arnold lived in a gilded cradle of indescribable wealth. It goes to show you what a jerkoff Mr. Drummond was— he could have spared Arnold the very real possibility of getting buttfucked by an old fat guy by merely spending a pittance...
Peanut allergies
I had a buddy who was allergic to nuts. Before it was cool. I didn’t even know about it until a dish featuring almonds was served and he politely declined. He just tactfully, simply stated: “I can’t, I’m allergic to nuts.”
No one does that now. Anyone who is allergic to nuts, or especially people whose children are allergic to “peanuts and tree nuts,” which like “autism spectrum disorder” is...
April 2011
3 posts
The Gays
Someone stole my underwear at the gym.
It’s a West Hollywood gym, where lots of huge gay muscle studs work out. So someone stole them to sniff them and jack off, I think. That was the first place my mind went, after I fruitlessly searched through my fucking bag for them like Tel Aviv airport security going through some Palestinian college kid’s backpack. Someone stole my underwear to...
Balls
Balls are nature’s greatest mistake.
Your heart, for instance, is obviously an important organ. So what does nature do. It’s behind a wall of muscle and bone, centrally located where much of its work can be done by gravity. Similarly, your stomach is in behind your abs where it would be a real fucking chore to eviscerate you and get it out. Plus all the movement of your midsection helps with...
February 2011
5 posts
The Bible
The Bible is one hell of a fucking read. Not like the Koran, which is three pages of “for God is Great and the nonbelievers shall perish blah blah blah blibbity blabbity blooh” to get to one sentence of story. I mean, don’t take any of the God part seriously or anything. You can enjoy Harry Potter and not jump off the roof on a fucking broomstick. Still, worth keeping...
Howard Zinn
I’ve always had mixed feelings about Howard Zinn, but any way you slice it it sucks that he was the Brad Renfro to Salinger’s Heath Ledger, you know? If Salinger hadn’t bit it the same day Zinn’s death might have been an occasion for some discussion of old school liberal ideas. But no. Maybe Zinn should have walled himself off for like 5 decades and refused to speak...
Cilantro
Cilantro fucking blows, dude. It’s like— it’s just such a rude interruption. You have a burrito or something made of savory elements like beans and cheese that kind of melt together harmoniously, all warm, and then in the middle of that suddenly you bite through a cold pile of vaguely poisonous-tasting lawn clippings. And you can hear it when you bite cilantro, too. A sound...
Girls who can get off, and girls who can't get off
Every few months there’s a scientific study about how only point eight, or whatever, percent of girls can really get off through vaginal penetration. Something on Jezebel, or some shit, and then all the comments (that don’t somehow work hating men into it) are talking about how more guys have to give better head, etc. Virtually all girls seem to get off with me, but I accept that...
January 2011
9 posts
Marriage material
Hung out with a chick last night who then blogged about our evening. Ladies: when you come to Rogier’s house, we are going to be spending some time checking out the youtube videos of one Kenneth Donald Rogers. That’s just the way it’s going to be— I need approximately 20 minutes of Kenny’s husky baritone before foreplay to sustain an erection.
If I see mating...
What now, she says
We go out a couple times. We make out, maybe we bone. Or maybe we don’t, and I just never call you. Or maybe we do, and then we get married and move slightly out of town to some place where people of modest means can get a pretty big yard, and we get a goat, but the fucking thing is too loud and keeps chewing through the fence- they are surprisingly clever animals. Maybe it actually figures...
Go lose your virginity at a whorehouse
Do it tonight. Forget about it being something “special.” You have been a virgin for 35 years- no matter what you do it is going to be “special.”
Think of your virginity as a cancerous growth on your face. It pops up at puberty, and at 13 it’s cute, like a beauty mark. But it slowly grows. By 17 it’s starting to look a little weird and people that still have it...
Girls who like getting fake raped
I have a friend who has a rape buddy. She texts him with a few hours notice, and at some point that night he comes over, fakes breaking into her house, and fake rapes her. Knowing her she probably screams her fool head off and is completely committed to yelling “no” and “stop” and fighting back, etc., and basically— like, I bet she did not arrange with him to...
1 tag
Sterner to Rogier's "Dark Times"
This is an open post to my friend, Rogier.
Right now, I am waiting for my nail polish to dry, having a glass of champagne, packing for Vegas. It is always at moments like these I think of you, Rogier, and wonder where you are.
I would text you, but my phone is dead.
I wanted to tell you how much I love your Kenny posts. For whatever reason, they speak to me. Much of your work, no matter how...
1 tag
You can take your Facebook and fuck yourself with...
Sterner here.
I’ve been Facebook-less for about 3 weeks and my life is exponentially better. Because so many fucking people are confused about how it is I can live without Facebook and WHY I WOULD WANT TO, I’m going to detail my reasons right here, right now.
You can get a beer, if you want.
First, we’re going to go back. Way back to the fucking beginning of social networking...
Another reason why I love Kenny Rogers
In the 90’s, Kenny got busted for having phone sex with his three mistresses, when his marriage was falling apart. The way it worked was KENNY SET UP A FUCKING 800 NUMBER FOR THEM and when they called, they would hear a recording of Kenny describing sex fantasies. Stuff like: “He’s a big guy, six foot three maybe, but a great body… . He’s been in the sun, you can...
Love Will Turn You Around
Not gonna lie, Sterner. These are dark times. The thing that bugs me the most is that I’m never going to find a nice girl. It’s partly because, well- there are a shitload of reasons, but the only one coming from me is that I’m now a machine geared toward getting unprotected sex as fast as possible.
And this definitely does fuck with you. “One becomes as capable of love as an old slag,” as a...
Girls
Her: So whatever happened with that girl?
Me: Which one?
Her: …
Me: I mean, whoever it is, I can tell you: nothing.
December 2010
10 posts
Boners
A lot of times lately I’ll be, like, I’ll have a hot chick naked in my bed and I’ll be too coked out or drunk to get a boner. It reminds me of that Jack London story where the guy is freezing to death in the Canadian wilderness, and he gets together all the requisite twigs, etc., to build the fire that would save his life. He painstakingly gathers all this wood, taking care...
